Difficult Conversations
"Sometime the most important conversations are the most difficult to engage in." Jeanne Phillips
Imagine been thrown a grenade. No matter how you handle it, whether gently or haphazardly, once the pin is out, it is going to blow up.
Difficult conversations are like these grenades. Sometimes we are the ones throwing them. Other times we are the ones on the receiving end. In some instances, we are with a bunch of people in the line of fire.
In most cases, we do our level best to avoid or confront these situations at all. In Asia, confrontational behaviour is something we all do our level best at avoiding. Think about a spectrum.
On one end, we have the people who do whatever they can to avoid confrontation and having difficult conversations. On the other extreme, we have people who just say things the way they see them, regardless of how it lands with the other person.
Both situations are incorrect stances, and we have to do our level best to find a happy medium. Unfortunately, these skills are not something we are teaching at school or at home.
Listed below is a short guide on how you can approach difficult conversations.
Step 1: Do the pre-work before making any rash decisions
Before we head into any such conversation, we need to break it down into three parts for us to comprehend what is truly happening.
Figure out what happened? Where does your story come from, what about the other person? How has the situation impacted you? What about the impact on them? What have you done to contribute to the problem?
How are you emotionally feeling about the situation? Explore where those emotions are originating. How do you think the other person is feeling about the situation?
What is at stake for you? What do you think is at stake for the other person?
The questions above will make help you rationally think through the situation. Rather than getting charged up, you will have the ability to think through the situation.
Step 2: Decide if you need to have the conversation.
Based on the discovery process above, you would be in a better place to decide if you need to have this conversation. From a work context, this can be asking for a raise to speaking to someone on how they managed a specific situation.
To start the conversation, we must clearly outline in our head what we hope to accomplish. Without a clear purpose, we will find the conversation quickly becoming an uncomfortable one. Use difficult conversations to either learn, share, or problem-solve.
Sometimes we need to alert someone, or someone needs to tell us when things are off track. People who spark these conversations with little substance or thought are acting selfishly.
Step 3: Start the conversation on the right footing
Difficult conversations are usually emotionally charged. If we begin them by accusing the person straight off or stating our point of view, we have both lost.
A much more helpful stance would be to frame the conversation from a third person's point of view.
Incorrect start: I was very upset by how you spoke to me in the meeting.
With the above opening, do not start with a charged sentence or a leading question. People can see through those are will react defensively.
Third Person: I wanted to talk to you about what happened at the meeting this morning. I was upset by something you said. I wanted to explain what was bothering me, and also hear your perspective on the situation.
The better strategy is to start on neutral ground where you are not pinning someone down or being pinned down.
At times we will be on the receiving end of a blunt open. We need to use this opportunity to bring the conversation back onto a level playing field.
Selfish people and those that operate from a place of fear will do their level best to trigger you with difficult openings. Don't fall for the trap.
Step 4: Listen and share your story
People who operate on the extremes of the confrontation continuum tend to either zone out or talk over the other person. The two hardest parts of having difficult conversations are expressing your feelings and listening.
Most of us are not good at either.
Good listening requires us to keep an open mind and be curious about the other person. Focusing on them and not waiting to get our two cents in at the first opening.
To become better at listening, ask more questions, acknowledge feelings behind the arguments. Paraphrase their thoughts to assure them you are listening and on the same page.
Share your own story. Stay away from blaming anyone and focus on how you contributed to the issue. Make your point of view clear without accusing or imposing your worldview. (This is by far the most challenging part.)
This step is the heart of the conversation. Done well, both sides will feel heard and start to find their way to step 5. Alternatively, if one side is always trying to impose their way, change the other person or playing the blame game. The conversation will break down.
Step 5: Finding a solution to the problem
Once both sides have a better understanding of where they are coming from, we can propose solutions. These will address the concerns and interests of both parties.
If one side tries to impose their will without taking into account the other person's point of view or interest, things will eventually break down. This behaviour is usually the result of someone skipping Step 4.
Most difficult conversations do not resolve themselves in single sessions. It is essential to discuss how to keep communication lines open as you work your way through the issue.
I have found that every time I follow the five steps above, the butterflies in my stomach reduce dramatically. I approach the situation with a calm and collected mind.
Your body language, tone of voice, and clarity of thought say more than any amount of words in such conversations.
In the end, we are all human.
We will make mistakes, not follow the steps, and difficult conversations will strain our relationships. The critical factor is whether we will work to improve our ability overtime or not.
If you can master the steps above, I can assure you that you will have a better quality of life. To start, look inwards first. Most of the time, it is our unresolved pain and trauma that throws our difficult conversations into a tailspin.